I really want to find out what's wrong with me and really let those matters behind me.I feel really REALLY lost and perhaps i actually need external help.NO...no...no...
I don't need such help.I feel i am capable enough.But why the sudden problems?
Thinking bout how others can freely roam the very corners of the Earth,their heart and minds,i feel really small and find myself locked in a cage where only i have the key to open and that i am hesitating to open the very lock that hangs before my definite eyes.I find myself shallow compared to those having the "do-for-the-cause" attitude.They are the dares and i am the airs,hitting nowhere.till now...me jus throwin' the keys away,hoping no one will open the door.Roaming their minds and hearts.
I just don't understand why others can just do whatever that is right and not get a scolding.whatever i do...it's just wrong wrong wrong wrong.
Taking the incident that happened a few days ago...
the internet at home was sorta screwed and my mum was like trying to salvage.Me just trying to help,came to sit next to her as i watched on.My mum then was talking on the phone to the internet providers' support officer bout the sudden failure to go online.then came the part...Because my mum needed to take down something,she screamed at me for paper and pen.being me,i jus stood up calmly and tried to take the papers and pen.Without warning,she scolded me for being too slow.(you couldn't blame me as she scolded me jus like 2 seconds after she asked for the paper and pen.)I kept my calm and tried to keep my temper under wraps.
Just then,there was a paper clip that was clipping onto the paper.My mum wanted to take it off but because she was talkin on the phone,she tried to handsign to me to take it off.Up till now it still seems all right to you right?
But all she did to motion me to take the paper clip off was to shove me off strongly and without even pointing to the paper clip that needed to be removed.After much shoving at me and slight reprimanding,I realised that she wanted the paper clip to be taken off.After the phone was hung up...She just scolded me for being slow in reaction and stupid in not understanding her.She too tried to insult me by saying that me entering a good school was a total fluke and that there was not an inch of IQ in me,not mentioning the lack of practical knowledge.by this comment made me flare up.(which living soul wouldn't do that)to add to the flames,she then started commenting on me not handling my stuff well(like my handphone being laggy)
After the quarrel,i went to my room and sat on my bed.And my weakness came...
No one knows bout this but myself...Everytime i scold someone else in a quarrel,i will only end up crying.Maybe i was made this special way.Me...Not made in a manner to scold others or hurt others.............
And all i get is not an apology from my mum.But instead me getting words like me having to bear with such things and to curb my anger.And the saying that she is my mother and that she is always right....
maybe things will go well for me now...HOPEFULLY!
