once again

its getting more and more unclear. i am starting to think that the post u wrote were not for me... but then again, thinking of that awkward scene at the library where u didnt even say hi even though our eyes met and u know it... i dont know.


well well. if it's for me, then here goes. i am reading. but i wonder if u are reading mine too... i am not really intelligent too. i need a hint if u are really writing to me.

tell u what. this fri(2 NOV) 12am midnight we post the initials of the intended recipient of all the posts we have written. i will be doing the same too. u must too. i am really just as lost as u are.

so here goes. will be waiting for fri night...

i dont know what to say.

so many things i dont know. first, i dont know if the post was for me. if it is for me pls tell me...

second, i dont know y we becoming like that. (if the post is for me) i really dont understand. y? just y?

one strong point of contention... when exactly was the last time u spoke with me?

from my point, 'When was the last time i spoke with u?'my answer: i dont know. the last time i spoke with u didnt feel like the last time and i didnt want it to be the last time either.


i just remembered something. i remembered i told u something on 1 of the 2 bus trips i took with u. can u remember?

goes out to u too...

i dont know if that post was really for me but anyways.i have only a sentence to tell u.


what if i am not better off without u? and i have been waiting for u to come up to me like before. what if i really need u?

what if...

a man of adversity

some ppl call me the impossible man. some call me being able to take on big and difficult tasks and complete them well. while some others call me the 'adversity man'. true. i work best in adversities. when the whole world comes crashing down and everyone either crying or weeping. i will remain nonchalant. standing still and not giving a single expression to it all. but deep down inside, i am trying to save the world from collapsing on everyone.

i have always believed in the impossible. because sometimes it really takes more than just skill and influence to get things done. apart from tact which i have not mentioned. there is also a very important component called luck.

i live everyday for the betterment of tommorrow. i still remember in those rare times i actually cried when i was rather small. i understood things only understood by ppl 10 years older than me. i knew the meaning of death at 4-5. i was saddened by how ppl will die and leave me alone. at that point of time, the thought of my family suddenly disappearing from my memory shocked me. it frightened me. i was so scared that i was grabbing my mum's leg and didnt want to let go. she didnt knew y i was crying or grabbing her legs. i didnt tell her.

we live each day trying to make other people lives better. its all a community kind of thing. we may complain that we may die early and not enjoy the fruits of our labour. but to me, the knowing that my hard work will lead to better lives for others is enough. we live each day to better others and better tommorrow. if ppl could control their lives, there wouldnt be such a thing known as destiny or fate.

i leave u with all that i have written. hoping that i have betterd your lives.

notalk

sometimes gd friends dont have to talk.

they literally know each other well enough to understand the other party without talking.

random

i just sent my wr to the teachers. hope it is on time. it was late due to technical problems at gmail.

feeling random. daryl ask me for my grades. so i gave BASUSE. then he anagramed it and it has since became violent and start to injure ppl around. it became ABUSES. my response was wth.


another random thing. with bong this time. he asked me how to write testimonial. and so i did. JJ style:

Bong: hey
me: whAT
Bong: help me start my testi
Bong: i don't know how to start
Me: i give u the first first word
Me: gordon
me:Example...
me: Gordon ................................
me: after that u add in yourself
Bong: what the heck
me: for example.
Bong: thats damn lame lah
me: Gordon is a lame yet mature boy
me: that's not possible
me: its an oxymoron
Bong: lol
me: some like that
me: that u give details
me: For example...
me: He was the chairman of the lame club, and was mature in his approach towards certain tough tackling issues
me: ok
me: that's also not possible
Bong: wah
me: then u show how is he really lame yet mature
me: for example.
Bong: haha
me: He infects everybody with his lameness and randomness but still add a tinge of maturity in some of his random and lame times.
me: giving a mature yet lame and random touch to things he encounter
me: finally
me: u end off with a nice sentence
Bong: g-buy!
me: For being the only person in the world who can be lame and random at the same time, Gordon is certainly an important and valuable 'asset' to both the school, cca, and friends
me: ok...
me: there u go
Bong: self praise international disgrace
me: self praise is no praise
me: is bhb
Bong: bhb is what
me: bay hiao bai
Bong: har?H
me: haha
me: gd luck doin your testi


saw u in the library today. knew that u saw me too. daryl came up to me to say hi. u didnt. even though our eyes met. i felt something when i thought u were coming to me to say hi. well, u didnt.

we have so many things in common. to think we actually stayed up overnight on the same day rushing PW. maybe that's a coincidence. but u cannot deny that we blogged in the wee hours of the morning with the tone of us claiming Mt Everest, having conquered the sleep devil. blogged same time too. so many things in common.

i feel like i just came out of a blending machine. feel so mixed.

Groundbreaking...

This is indeed groundbreaking... i am still awake at 4.30am. Such a groundbreaking time. i suddenly feel like cycling at this time. haha. what a joke. also no one to join me. so lonely. cycle alone. haiz. forget it la.

speaking of cycling partners, i have been trying to find one. or maybe a gang. but it just didnt work out. i didnt even manage to find a cyclng partner. Not even one. so disappointing. so if u reading this out there is also a cycling enthuiast, not afraid of getting injured and stuff, look for me. serious.

back to the topic. i must really be a groundbreaker. still awake at such a groundbreaking time.

and i typed this in less than a minute. pardon if got any typo.

i dislike it...

i dislike it when so many people have so many expectations of me... its just like i am some superhuman or something. cos its really crazy. its really really crazy. either they overrate my abilities or i am being too humble about what i can really do.

but either way, the moment i entered mj, i knew that i will not use my abilities to the benefit of the sch. its just not worth me using my ability which i highly value on a sch that i dont value at all.

its pointless to continue praising my abilities. there's no way i am gonna use it.


another thing. i feel so mixed. so mixed. so very mixed. i need answers.

pronto.

time?

they say TIME CAN HEAL EVERYTHING.

lets just give each other time to think...



when u are really ready to talk like before, lets talk... i will be waiting for u.

i will wait for u for as long as it takes... 10 years, 20 years, 30 years...


i will be waiting...

tell me baby

im tired. im tired. u know what. im tellin u this. some things once changed, will nv be the same again. yupp. i really cant bring myself to joke w u, to play arnd jus like we used too. there seems to be a barrier tt i cant break. maybe i built tt myself, but i wont break it. i dont wan to break it. dont wan to go thru the times again with loads of things runnin thru my mind. and im at a lost. i dislike tt kind of life.

somethingshvchangeandcannvbeesame.donttry

i dont believe and i dont want to believe. i really dont want to believe.

i must agree with u that it will never be the same as before. cos it will be better than before. it will be...

have i ever mentioned my special theory of friends? friends are like the development curve of Geog elect. We start off brightly as friends, then our friendship gets better as the time passes. it just seems to get better as the time goes. however, it will soon stagnate and until we cannot be anymore than best friends. we might start to realise what have we been doing and start to ponder over our friendship. we might even hate each other. and it can only go from 2 directions from here. overcome that hate and become better friends - become better friends and learn to take in all the faults of your friend. but it can also go down a road of destruction. we start to hate each other and continue to hate each other. it then cannot be resolved. cannot be resolved. we might not become enemies, but we will never be as close as before.

i dont want us to fall into the 2nd scenario. dont want. dont want. dont want.

u will not go through that kind of life again. not alone. i will go through it all with u. with all the things goin through our heads together. if u let me...

tell me what to do to make us become better friends after all this we are going through... tell me baby.



now i just wish that the intended recipient for all your blog posts is not me...

this is so surreal. to say the truth, i still dont believe u are reading all this. but then again, time after time u are proving me wrong. with this, it seems like the answer to my request...

imnotgonnatalktoudontmakemehateu

pls. i beg of u. if the intended recipient is me... pls. pls. pls. i beg u. dont ignore me. and dont hate me.

we really really need a talk.


that is if the intended recipient of all this is me...

i'm...

i think u really is reading all that i have written, if not then why do u keep countering and rebutting me back? i really really really think that u are reading this. then why do u not know how i feel? i written it so explicitly. i wrote it so clear. i practically wrote it for u.

"blogblog.

wah. i reallyreallyreally v pek chek. how can u be so mean. i know im mean to u. but stil u started it first lo. sighs. seems like im left w no choice. LOL.


dont make me hate u can. pls dont if not i'll regret it for life. really.


:P"

i dont wanna hate u. is it really love u have for me? cos i am really lost... i need some enlightenment. do u really harbour even a tiny drop of love for me?

i never liked to be mean to ppl. especially u. if u really think that i am being mean to u, i really want to apologise. sorry.

i will regret it for life should i hate u too. it works both ways. and i dont think i can hate u now that u are deeply embedded in my heart. that part which gives me life. and should i hate you(that part of my heart), i would die immediately. i cannot bring myself to hate anybody. i really cannot. and to think u used the word 'hate' so loosely...

we used to have common topics to talk about. we had so many things in common. do u still rmb the time when we had to leave pae sch then u saw me crying, and u started to cry. do u rmb?

if u are really reading, i think we should meet up and talk. not on the phone or msg. but really meet face to face and talk...

its really a mental struggle for me inside myself. and worse of it all. it concerns the person i most hope to stay happy all the time.

maybe this might clear the some air...



i will use the word hate once again...

i hate to say it, but i hate u.

either its coincidental or something...

"ifudontmindgivingourfrenshipamiss,imfine"

"if u dont mind givin our frenship a miss, i'm fine."

"my fren gave me 2 options: either u dont wan give me wrong impression or u feel the same way too. well if its the first one. i tell u arh. im not that BHB to think that u are being nice coz u also feel the same way. im happy to stay as close frens. jus the way things were before. i will not hv the wrong impression for nuts! and if u are really willing to give our frenship a miss, then im okays too. since u no longer value it, then i dont see the point too. i can always pretend tt we were jus superficial frens.

if its the 2nd one, i nth to say. really. been so confused, felt so dumb, felt lost. haha. now i know. i know. WHATEVER. im jus findin some place to rant. sick of keepin it inside. LOL."

either its a coincidence or something... i really dont know. kinda lost and hurt from whatever u wrote. maybe its for me. maybe its not. but either way, its harsh...

i dont know. i think i rather keep myself busy with my music...


cos' its really harsh...

Then came that day...

i wanna post some photos at first. very happy cos here are some very nice photos. some photos taking during teachers' dae at mdm nablah hse. including an unglam photo of john eating cake. oooh. and also a very cool photo of myself wearing vs blazer. haha. i wore the vs blazer many times. but always never take photos. if i am not wrong i think it is during ViSIT launch... haha. the memories as a pioneer chairman.


Then i saw this...

i hv been wantin to blog about this as the year comes to almost an end. lookin back,i see my council road. when i first picked up the form. i can say its on an impulse coz my fren wanted to join and since im easily excited, i tot " y not? jus go try and hv fun lo. no harm ma." but at that point of time its more of like pei-in him to go. irony is that i got in and he didnt. what a joke to play on us. at that moment...

to tell the truth. i wanted u to get in more than i wanted myself to. it started off as me wanting to get in. pushin' u on and on, encouraging u and stuff like that to get in. encouragin u to have the same motivation as i have to get in. as the days went by after that fateul day when we took the appplication forms, it seemed more apparent to me that i wanted u to get what u wanted rather than getting what i want. somehow. it all became clear on that eventful day of announcement when mr yeow announced the shortlisted candidates for the second round. when he flashed that screen, i didnt went on to find my name. the first name that i hoped to see on it was yours. and indeed. my wish came true. i didnt get in... but the happiness i got from knowing u got in was enough for me. i think i felt as happy or even happier
then knowing i got in. for i wanted u to get whatever u wanted. and for me... thats enough.

To continue the story on... i came across your blog and coincidentally found that u were not at all happy being in the council thing. what could i do?i actually came up with a birthdae present for u, and i'm sure that present will make u happy everyday. but in the end. the present didnt hit its intended recipient.

i am very disppointed to say this... but i feel u falling further and further away from me. still remember that day in the bus i still reminded u not to forget me. and now, its seems that that nightmare is coming true. i tried to keep myself away from u. i concentrated on my music, piano and guitar, hoping that will somehow make me forget u. but sometimes, god likes to play jokes on us(i dont believe in any religion, using god is just an expression). i find that the more i try to dodge u, the more u will appear in front of me. its so ironical but true. like the games elective talk the last time, u sat in front of me. like the time at KFC in white sands, i saw u, but i went over to talk to jin jian instead. i treid to pretend i didnt see u. but in the end, still met u at the escalator - though we didnt talk. then during the chem time trial, u sat in front of me for 2 and a half hours and i didnt know u were there till the checking of the papers. then, the pw lecture yesterday, u sat in front me of again - and as usual, i didnt realise until i looked down.

dont u think its a joke? the more u try to avoid the more u will see the person. i feel i dont know u anymore. i feel u dont need me anymore. i wanted us to go beyond. but i didnt even try to get your opinion. i didnt want us to end and put a fullstop,but instead go on further. i dont think i should type this, but we should put a fullstop.

enough of typing bout that. either way, u aint reading this too...

i am gonna go finish my dream. its been unfinished since o levels. i gonna cycle and cycle. keep cycling till i cant cycle anymore.