The Relationships

This post is merely meant to voiced my displeasure and show the disgruntled self to everyone on another of my failure. I'm sorry if the posts these days seems to get more and more reflective, perhaps its NS thats making me rethink about my life, my future, and my direction. Or perhaps, its just me having a heart full of tears.

Official school life is over for me, and that is a weird feeling. I cannot really explain it, for its a mix of many feelings. The 2 most obvious feelings are that of contradiction, where I feel that its a relief, whilst feeling a sense of missing school. The days of traveling to school in my parents' car, the days where I travel home with friends, the days where even though no one seems to be going home like you but you're bound to meet someone along the way, I will miss them all. The uniform that we always complain of, the constant nagging from the teachers(especially since I get these more than the average student), and the environment of being restricted by rules and regulations, I will miss them all. Without homework, without grades target to fulfil, without the need to fulfil expectations of teachers, I feel a sense of relief.

Not so recently ago, I changed my status to 'in a relationship' on facebook. The truth behind the change is because I don't feel ready all of a sudden to accept someone. If you think its somewhat of a deterrence, it is. Its always at the last moment and I back out. Its not a lack of confidence or anything of that sort. Just as that John Mayer song is titled,'I don't trust myself with loving you', its the exact same feeling I have inside me. I choose to believe that its much better for my other half to love me more than I love her. Until I can believe that I can trust myself with loving you, then maybe I might. Or maybe, I just might find someone that really loves me more than I love her.

Anyhows, I got my plan laid out for the next 20-30 years of my life. Maybe even longer. And this might involve me moving from nation to nation, border to border. And who knows, I might actually get someone from outside borders who actually loves me more than I love her.

Until then...