bad feeling

Just yesterday, as I was eating my dinner happily, something engulfed me totally. I was going on to drink soup and then a whole lot of bad feelings came crashing down onto me. It didnt have the pain of crashing, it was more like engulfing me, giving me no space to breathe at all. I couldn't eat anymore. It was totally taking over me. And after a while, I started to feel extremely lost and couldn't do anything. So I thought I would take a breather and lean back. But it didnt seem to help either. I couldn't do anything. I was totally helpless. Totally helpless. Then, I started to walk around aimlessly in the house. I was like wandering zombie. Nothing in my mind, just pure feeling of something bad that is about to happen. And worst of all, I know that the something bad is not going to happen onto myself, but someone close to me. I stood by the door of my room, couldn't think, couldn't breathe. For the first time in my life, I was feeling really scared. Really really scared. There was nothing that could help me out of this nonsense. I ran into my room, causing a furore as I dashed into my room. Luckily my family didn't notice me getting into a frenzy. I jumped onto my bed and immediately took a pillow to cover my head. It was pure torturous. I couldn't think. It was like something was engulfing me and I wanted to be protected from it. The sense of something bad going to happen to someone close to me grew stronger, grew stronger and even more stronger. It was just too torturous. For close to 3 mins, I was lying on my bed. Aimlessly, helplessly and hopelessly taking my pillow as my only 'shield' against this bad feeling.

After a few minutes, I didnt feel the bad feeling anymore. It just disappeared. I know something really really really bad is about to happen. But I dont know what and when!! I dont!! that's the crazy part!! Its going to happen!!! Its really really really going to be something really bad!!!

I would rather choose to believe that I can prevent this from happening to that someone close to me. But, these things are hard to predict, making the solution to solving these things even harder to predict. How I wished that it would all happen upon me and not on others...


I made a deal with ??? It wasn't the right answer I was looking to solving the problem. But it was your answer as to how you wanted it solved. I promised that I will leave if you would solve this problem. And I will now that you have given me a solution, even though it is not the one I am searching for...

But if things go awry, I will be back. And I have a strong gut feeling that my bad feeling will make me come back instead of leaving. This bad feeling is so strong. Its coming. Its coming.

But now, I have yet another sticky problem on hand. I will just wait and see what happens. I want to leave my options open should anything still go awry. In the meantime, I will just shut my eyes, mind, ears and heart to whatever I think I shouldn't hear or shouldn't know.

and because of this, I know I won't be coming online for a long long long time. Maybe I will come online. But not on msn or anything along those lines. Or maybe I may be online, but u may be blocked. Or maybe I may be online but I am appearing offline. I dont know. I really dont know. Let's just see how this goes...

as always, this world is a magical world which changes itself for you. As long as you believe that such a world exists, it will. As long as you believe that such a world exists FOR YOU, it will change itself to make the world a better place for you and your loved ones. I assure you, it will. I believe in it and I know that the world will change itself for me. I just know it...
Note: I tried as hard as I could to re-emulate the scene that happened to me yesterday night. But I just couldn't.. It just shows the severity of this bad feeling.

destroyed

someone's life is gonna get destroyed.

By me.

I can assure u that. I am seriously not joking. this person better watch his back.

he's gonna get destroyed godfather style. his whole life will be in the ruins.

and best of all. he wouldn't know what hit him.

haha.

the bus stop dilemma

i was thinking of this particular bus stop problem. then it dawned upon me that this just shows how much problems human beings have in the first place. and through this little problem of mine, the bus stop problem, i came to understand that many of the solutions we seek to solve our problems are actually somewhere within us. If we have the will to find it, we will. How fast we take to solve the problem depends on how much u want to solve the problem. Not the kind of i-say-i-want-to-solve-my-problem kinda attitude. But those kind of deep down in your heart and minds, you really want to do so, maybe for someone, maybe for something, maybe for yourself.

the bus stop problem.
Imagine waiting for a particular bus 89 at your bus stop at 11.15. then you know u need to reach wherever u need to be pronto! u waited. and waited. for maybe 15 mins. no bus still. argh! crap. I am running late. then suddenly, a bus 88 comes. but the problem is that this bus 88 does not directly drop you off at the place u want to be, but it however, drops you off at a place somewhere close to where you need to be. will u take it?

but imagine. if u had alr waited for 15 mins, the probability that your bus 89 will be here soon. so will you continue to wait for 89?

and now, imagine after waiting for 15 mins and refusing to take that bus 88, firmly believing that your bus 89 will be here soon, after another 15 mins, your bus 89 still have not arrived. and another bus 88 comes. Will you take it?

But, the probability of your bus 89 coming is now much higher than before at 11.30. (the time now is 11.45) so will you continue to wait for 89?

this just depends on your faith in how u want things to be. nobody can tell u when something is going to happen. You will not know it either. some people lose faith and take 88, only to find halfway through the journey that 89 is just behind. Your faith is therefore, the key aspect to solving any problems. how much u want it solved deep down inside of you. how much u want to keep the faith in the solution to the problem that is already inside of you.

for me, i prefer to keep the faith. what about you?



i sincerely prayed for something to happen. its not for me. i still believe that the world is a magical place, where if we wanted something to happen, not for the sake of ourselves but for others, the thing we want to happen will.

an advice from me to everyone: keep your eyes, mind and heart open. There may just be someone or something that is constantly doing tiny little gestures for you without expecting anything in return. When that happens, you know you are loved.

=)

son

being both the son of the SUN and the son of the MOON at the same time, I can be pretty unpredictable at times.


gentle note of reminder to those thinking of hurting me with whatever you got:
When the moon comes out to 'play', the sun goes in to rest.


be warned.

The REAL Olympic Medal Count

And finally, someone spoke up. I got fed up at the gymnastic results. Being that China kept winning all of em when I CLEARLY saw some other contestants better...



The REAL Olympic medal count
By Chris Chase
Look, I don't know much about gymnastics, but I do know that landing a vault on two feet is better than landing one on two knees. Olympic gymnastics judges evidently disagree with me, as they awarded China's Cheng Fei a bronze medal yesterday even after she fell on her vault landing. American Alicia Sacramone finished fourth despite, you know, not falling.
And today, 12-year old 16-year old Chinese gymnast He Kexin won gold over Nastia Liukin based on an obscure tiebreaking rule. The two received the same score from the judges, but He won a tiebreak because an Australian judge apparently was watching a different competition.
Every judging break seems to have gone China's way during these Olympics. I'm not suggesting a conspiracy, I just think that judges are humans who are influenced by big names, fans and other external factors. Oh, and they're also terrible. Judged events will always be viewed with skepticism by those who lose for this reason, particularly those who lose to a member of the home delegation. (Think Roy Jones Jr. at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.)
It is because of this skewed inconsistency that Fourth-Place Medal introduces The Real 2008 Medal Count. Our medal count will tally medals won in sports decided on the field of play, not by a judge in a teal blazer.
The judged Olympic events we will ignore for our tally are: boxing, diving, equestrian, gymnastics, judo, taekwondo, trampoline and wrestling. We debated whether to include boxing, wrestling and the martial arts in the list, as they can be decided by competitors. However, because the judging is prone to error and shenaningans, we will include it.
The Real 2008 Medal Count
China: 22 gold; 11 silver; 11 bronze
United States: 21 gold; 19 silver; 21 bronze
As you can see, in the events where medals are determined by competitors rather than judges, the gold medal gap between China and the U.S. is greatly narrowed, and the total medal count is an American runaway. Counting the judged events, China has a commanding lead in golds. Hmmm... Nope, nothing fishy about that!

eyes and rock

EYES
its not fair to use the eyes of someone who wants to see the world in a nice light to compare to the eyes of someone who has eyes belonging to an inhumane person

the view that we see is entirely different

even if u manage to know whatever he thinks of you, will it make you happier or better off than when u didnt know anything?

u dont. its just not worth probing and worth letting go

and even so, the comparison is unfair.

u cannot use a man's heart to judge that of a beast


ROCK
theres a nice part of a rock

but its inside

the core

but it takes alot of strength to break it

to be able to see the NICE part of it

so ya lor

its hard

but it is there