The Relationships

This post is merely meant to voiced my displeasure and show the disgruntled self to everyone on another of my failure. I'm sorry if the posts these days seems to get more and more reflective, perhaps its NS thats making me rethink about my life, my future, and my direction. Or perhaps, its just me having a heart full of tears.

Official school life is over for me, and that is a weird feeling. I cannot really explain it, for its a mix of many feelings. The 2 most obvious feelings are that of contradiction, where I feel that its a relief, whilst feeling a sense of missing school. The days of traveling to school in my parents' car, the days where I travel home with friends, the days where even though no one seems to be going home like you but you're bound to meet someone along the way, I will miss them all. The uniform that we always complain of, the constant nagging from the teachers(especially since I get these more than the average student), and the environment of being restricted by rules and regulations, I will miss them all. Without homework, without grades target to fulfil, without the need to fulfil expectations of teachers, I feel a sense of relief.

Not so recently ago, I changed my status to 'in a relationship' on facebook. The truth behind the change is because I don't feel ready all of a sudden to accept someone. If you think its somewhat of a deterrence, it is. Its always at the last moment and I back out. Its not a lack of confidence or anything of that sort. Just as that John Mayer song is titled,'I don't trust myself with loving you', its the exact same feeling I have inside me. I choose to believe that its much better for my other half to love me more than I love her. Until I can believe that I can trust myself with loving you, then maybe I might. Or maybe, I just might find someone that really loves me more than I love her.

Anyhows, I got my plan laid out for the next 20-30 years of my life. Maybe even longer. And this might involve me moving from nation to nation, border to border. And who knows, I might actually get someone from outside borders who actually loves me more than I love her.

Until then...

The Council Interview

I was watching TV yesterday, and I got reminded of the MJ council interview I went for more than a year ago. And I must say I failed. Not in the responses I gave to the questions posed to me. Not in the way that people told me I failed in. Not in the way that other people were more impressive than me. Not in the way where other people are more capable than me. I failed in the WAY I answered those questions.

I totally lost the plot. I didn't have the attitude. The true mentality of really wanting to do it. I had dreams, had ambitions, and I swear I could have it achieve, only if I was the council president. But these were never really enough to make me succeed. I reckoned, with the attitude and the ambitions I carried with me, I would never have succeeded anyway. I had those ambitions, to prove a point. To prove that I was capable, which I think many people already knew and it may seem redundant to prove something which is already proven, except in the case of Mathematical Induction.

Something that stuck with me until now. And that is the response I gave to the question posed by Mr Yeow.

Question: What are you most fearful of?
Answer: I am afraid of not doing things well, not being able to succeed when I think I should have. I am afraid of not being able to do things perfectly. I am a perfectionist, and only with this mentality, only then can I achieve perfection.


now that i think of this answer, I would think that if I were asked this question again, I would not answer the same way and give the same response I did. Below is the response I would give.

Answer: I am extremely fearful of not being able to do things perfectly. Not because I always make mistakes or that I lack in confidence, but only then will I be constantly reminded of the people involved. The people who expected me to succeed, I cannot let them down. While in the school environment, the area of impact may seem small, but bringing it out to the big picture, the area of impact to the people involved may be greater. Akin to the thoughts of a surgeon in a surgery, he/she is constantly fearful of the worst case scenario, of not being able to do the surgery perfectly. He/she gets reminded of the family members of the patient, of the hopes and dreams of the patient yet to be fulfilled, and only then can the surgery be a success. I am fearful not in my capacity, but in the capacity that my actions may result in the demise of another.

the uncertain numbers and a windows 7

windows 7 is apparently going to come out. and hopefully it wont be delayed like vista did. hopefully. it looks kinda sleek, minimal, and hopefully takes on the mould of a definite world-beater. I wont say I am a great fan of windows, but its functionality, its conventional uses, and its familiarity made me stay on. Like the famous saying by the famous me,'A mac gets you laid, a pc gets things done.period.'

this christmas may not be the best I've ever had. I am using the word 'may', in hopes that in the coming 30 mins till the end, it will still be a good one. at least be one etched in my memories. Made a wish yesterday night, but not sure if it will come true. hopefully it will. but i cant wish for much also. if it do come true, it will most definitely be an awesome christmas.

got 2 unknown wishers via sms for christmas. and i got only 2 wishes from unknown people. which is the sad part. how i wish i knew who they were.

Ah Law - The Commando

Law gave me a phone call just now at night. Apparently he's calling from the commando camp. and he seems to have loads of slack time. And he's coming out in 2 days. I was the 9th person he bothered to call.

seems like another thing learnt from MJ is that i made a real friend there.

relationships

Saw 2 quotes on relationships, not sure it belonged to whom, but 1 thing is for sure. The person who said it emcompasses immense wisdom in the form of experience.

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave
footprints on our heart. And we are never, ever the same.”

“You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.”

trash?

I saw this somewhere in Bedok, on my way to lunch to Long John Silver.




what the hell?

a question

I was asked this qn by a surveyor when I was waiting at city hall mrt station while waiting for the 4e ppl to arrive.

Question: "What is your dream salary?"
Answer: "Got this kind of thing one meh? I thought its kinda like as much
as I can possibly earn?"